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The “Perfect Knife,” does it exist? Can you ever achieve the elusive balance between form and function? Every knife know-it-all in the world that expounds expertise in the subject has different desired characteristics.

Is this blade going to be your sole cutting tool in the woods? If it is, why would you be that dumb? Do you need it for self defense? If so, where the hell do you live? Are you prying against sturdy materials daily? If that is the case, have you heard about crowbars? Or will it just reside in your pocket most days, deployed to do battle with the mighty Amazon box, or trim the cuticle from your middle finger?

It is my position that the near-reverent value assigned to the characteristics listed below by online mouth-breathers, er…..”experts,” hold little weight when a knife is subjected to actual use.

So, let us go on the attack…

HANDLES

Have you ever used a rectangle shaped handle on a knife? Really used it for work? The wrong shape and materials ruins a knife. Add contoured grips with molded finger holds, and you have a real blister-builder there.

You must experiment to find a shape and material that works with your hand, because not all palms are created equal. Rounded and oblong is generally the way to go. Wood, leather, and some rubberized polymers are comfy and maintain good friction when cold or wet. All of your palm should be filled by the handle for proper function. Not more, not less.

For the “Micarta rules” crew, your canvas-based laminate material is lame. Make a basic feather stick or two with a Micarta handled knife, not wearing some tacticool gloves, and see how that goes.

GUARD

Hand guards on a knife are a cute idea, but not practical. If you are charging across a battlefield on horseback, then fine. Once you throw maneuvering around a guard into the mix, it screws with what a knife is designed to do, which is fine work. The concept is guards keep inexperienced users from running their fingers or palm along the blade. Almost all the knife injuries I witnessed while working for the Boy Scouts resulted from a youth trying to bore a hole through something they should not have been, or a dull knife. If you are obsessed with having a guard on your knife, take up fencing.

SERRATIONS

These turn an otherwise good working edge into trash. The idea with serrations is that the reduced friction lets the blade bite into ornery or delicate materials with more precision. It does work, and makes slicing bread, styrofoam, and tomatoes a breeze. But you will soon discover this specialized design has limitations…like sharpening it. Leave the serrations to Martha Stewart and get a straight blade.

Moving along, serrations on the back of a blade are dumb. You are not Rambo. These little beasties had been designed by the Germans during the Great War to tear flesh when pulling a bayonet out of an enemy solider after being stabbed. They are not for sawing wood, which they suck at anyway. Worst of all, should you possess a knife with half a serrated blade that transitions midway into a straight blade, exorcise this heinous tool from your home and acquire a proper straight edged knife immediately.

STEEL

Do not be fooled into worshiping upon the holy alter of “all blades must be carbon.” Carbon sharpens quicker but needs more honing, and it rusts. Stainless resists the weather and holds its edge longer, but takes more effort to sharpen. Carbon is the winner if you need to chip away at a piece of shale or flint, but stainless can throw a spark from a fire steel just fine. In the end either metal will work. However, if you prefer carbon simply for the versatility of starting a flint and steel fire, I ask you: why venture into the woods without a lighter, matches, and a ferro rod? If you are carbon steel stalwart, give stainless a try…it might surprise you. #gostainless.

FULL TANG

Most swords are not full tang. Let that sink in for a minute. Half tang, folder, or rat tail…all work fine. Plus, full tang knives usually hurt when doing any real work in the outdoors. A little piece of information “experts” forget to mention in their YouTube videos.

This springboards to the topic of “to fold, or not to fold?” As I age, my knives skew towards being compact and light weight. Every folder I have ever owned has done everything asked of it. Know thy knife, including its limitations, and ye shall be happy.

For the full tang hardcore fans, compact solid steel utility knife options exist on the market. Generally referred to as a “neck knife.” Sounds like a bad carry location, but some models are very useful pieces of kit.

THICKNESS

Three-eights inch or less is a fine blade thickness. Beyond that more metal means more weight, less comfort, more work, and less control. Sure these knives can chip chunks out of a small tree, but a good folding saw is more efficient. The weight of a folding saw plus your beater knife will be less than that of any big knife. Do yourself a favor, ditch the cleaver and become familiar with the wonder that is the compact folding saw. Once you go folding saw, you will never go chippy-chaw…or something like that.

CLIP POINT OR DROP POINT

Drop point is the way to go. It is just better for everything: drilling small holes, skinning, sharpening, and more. If the tip of your knife looks like a spear, you are in business. The traditional Bowie knife clip point serves two main purposes: reduce weight and provide a strong, pronounced tip for penetrating flesh. If you are not planning to go around jabbing everything in sight, the drop point is more useful, easier to control, and durable. If you have an unfulfilled urge to stab things, become a butcher.

Additionally, do not sharpen the false edge on the backside of your knife. A pocket knife and small sharpener to keep it razor sharp will allow you to dress most of the game you would ever need to butcher in the wild. I have never seen a false edge used for anything but faux combat simulations, and have yet to encounter an instance where one was ever needed. If you have a false edge on your knife, hire a therapist and work some stuff out.

GRIND

Get a flat grind and move on with life. Easy to maintain and simple to use. You will need to hone it more often than other grinds, but this is a thirty-second task every few days. While on the topic, running your blade over a honing steel will prevent you from having to sharpen it for months, even years. Keep that little burr that forms from everyday use under control, and you are golden. As an added bonus, this gives the honing steel in your kitchen something to do.

MULTITOOL

Why attack multi tools? Are they not the physical incarnation of our society’s obsession with cool gadgets? I have a Leatherman Generation 1, which makes me an “OG” on the topic. Then I started relying on the tool for real work on a daily basis, and after that point the multitool is around for emergencies, but better options have been sourced.

So, why do multitools exist? The answer seems to be: pliers. This entire industry was founded on the idea of building a compact set of folding pliers, which then expanded into making these things mini-tool boxes. Versions now exist with so many useless gadgets it boggles the mind.

It is my experience that drawbacks arise when you use these tools regularly:

• Boxy handles: They hurt to use, even when doing simple carving tasks.
• Torque: They have none. When you really start to leaver or twist, things break…on the tool.
• Directional force: It is a mess. Tools deploy in a manner where directional force is wasted.
• Locking Mechanisms: Older models rely on a strong hand grip to keep deployed tools in place. Newer models have awkward locking releases on the outside of the handle.
• Friction: All models loosen over time. Locking models have fewer issues with loosening.
• Heat Treatment: Older models had decent metal. Newer models bend and dull in less time.

If the goal is to have a set of pliers…why not just get a set of small pliers? They will be stronger, lighter, and more comfortable. Toss in a small Philips Head Screwdriver, P38 can opener, and mini file to pair with a beater knife and you are in business. This combo will weigh a bit more, but is practicality on display. I have done this very thing, and grab for my little “fix it kit” all the time. If the multitool suits you…great. Just know that my little kit works better, lasts longer, and was cheaper to buy.

LOCK BLADE

I am a product of the Scouting program, where using a knife with a locking blade was drilled into us. For a learner, the locking blade is a good thing. I have seen youth hold knives in ways a highly trained Samurai would never entertain. These days I tend to use knives with no locking blade. Both styles are fine, but friction folders are more simple and comfortable for me.

To lock or not to lock, it is all good. Try both and see what works for you. Should your world involve drilling or poking a lot of holes in things regularly with your beater knife, favor a locking blade. If not, a whole new world of convenience awaits in the form of a friction folder.

LENGTH

Keep the blade between two and four inches and don’t worry, be happy. A knife is used mostly used for fine tasks and light work. When a blade becomes longer than the palm of a hand, upgrade to a machete or axe. Additionally, sitting with a long bladed knife strapped to your belt, hip, or leg…blows. You never get in the right position to be comfortable, and it always snags on something. Look at the history of the Bowie Knife, and you will see that the design shrunk considerably over time. Wonder why?

GLOVES

What the hell is up with all this glove use in knife review videos? When a person slips on gloves to use a knife, I step away quickly and then settle in to watch the circus that inevitably unfolds. I realize the concept is to present a sense of safety. In my experience, most users take their gloves off in order to have more control of the knife. If you are selecting a knife for your everyday use based on how it performs while using gloves, an unpleasant surprise awaits.

CONCLUSION

When you peel away what most of us are told is “needed” in a good working knife, you realize the time honored concept of “keep it simple, stupid” holds true. Should you be in the market, a worthy blade awaits for well under 40 dollars (US).

When it comes to recommendations, I have my favorites, which are provided for you below. These are, obviously, completely biased:

• Opinel #8 — Common versions are carbon bladed, but they do make stainless versions. Their proprietary locking ring is very simple to use, and the whole package is comfortable to work with and carry. A light weight, low cost, one hundred year old design.
• Svord Pesant’s Knife Mini — Polymer handle friction folder. These are very nice, practical blades from New Zeland based on a design from the Medieval Age.
• Buck Folder — Buck folders in the Spitfire and Duke 500 models are all you would ever need in a knife. The “Grandaddy” folder of them all is the Buck Hunter 110.
• Old Timer — Schrade has acquired the Old Timer brand and is updating the catalogue. The Old Timer Bear Head folder is a bomb-proof working knife.
• Morakiv — Mora makes a fantastic, low cost product. The Mora Classic #1, Clipper, or Eldris models are all great value knives I would trust and take anywhere.
• Esse — This company makes a bare bones, tough neck knife called the Izula. These are pricy knives, but if you want to “buy one and be done…..forever” this is a good option.

Remember, your perfect beater knife is probably already in your pocket. Congratulations, you can stop looking for it.

Be well, and may “the blade be with you.”

Oh…and you are welcome.